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When someone says, "I
was abused..."
BELIEVE them - It is not your role to question whether abuse
occurred.
HELP them explore their options - Don't take charge of the
situation and pressure the survivor to do what you think s/he
should. That's what the abuser did. Give her/him the freedom to
choose a path of recovery that is most comfortable, even if you
would do it differently. Remember, there is no right way for a
survivor to respond after being assaulted.
LISTEN to them - It is crucial to let survivors know that
they can talk to you about their experience when they are ready.
Some may not wish to speak with you immediately, but at some point
during the healing process, it is likely that the survivor will come
to you for support. When that happens, don't interrupt, or yell, or
inject your feelings. Just open your ears to the pain of being
abused. Your caring but silent attention will be invaluable.
NEVER blame them for being assaulted. Do not ask what s/he
did to make their partner hurt them. No one deserves to be harmed,
especially by a loved one. Do not say, "I told you so," or ask why
they didn't leave sooner.
ASK before you touch - Don't assume that physical contact,
even in the form of a gentle touch or hug, will be comforting to the
survivor. Be patient. Give them the space they need, and try your
best not to take it personally. One way to signal to the survivor
that you are open to giving physical comfort is to sit with an open
posture and a hand, palm up, nearby.
RECOGNIZE that you've been assaulted too - We can't help but
be hurt when someone we love is made to suffer. Don't blame yourself
for the many feelings you will have after learning that someone
close to you has been abused. Sadness, confusion, anger,
helplessness, fear, guilt, disappointment, shock, anxiety,
desperation, and compassion are all common reactions for survivors
and their loved ones. Being aware of these emotions will ultimately
help you better understand the survivor's experience and be more
supportive.
How to Help Someone Who is Thinking
About Leaving an Abusive Relationship
BE PATIENT - Remember that it takes most people seven
attempts to leave an abusive relationship before they end it
permanently. Realize that your friend is risking a lot when leaving
the relationship. Not only are they often leaving most of their
material wealth, but they are increasing their risk of being harmed.
People being abused are at a greater risk of being killed by their
abuser after they end the relationship.
OFFER ASSISTANCE - Anything is helpful; from offering her/him
a place to stay, to loaning money, to keeping a suitcase of their
belongings at your home. Encourage them to complete a safety plan.
This could be the difference between life and death. Remind them
that asking for and accepting help out of their abusive relationship
is a sign of strength, not weakness. |
